In the last three weeks a lump in my breast incidentally found in the shower one Sunday morning escalated into a full-blown life or death consideration. Consideration - not situation - because there was never any danger, it turned out, because after a well-woman exam, a couple mammograms, a diagnostic ultrasound and then a double biopsy - those lumps (there'd turn out to be two that needed further examining) were benign as they told me yesterday (and I do mean "they" because that unknown voice who tells you the good news - who is that blessed anonymous angelnurse?). Those tumors, lumps, whatevers would turn out to be completely ineffective when it came to changing my life into what I hoped it wouldn't become...that is to say extended bewilderment, a lingering sense of betrayal (WTF body?!) and mostly, this deep ephemeral grief somewhere between missing something you never had (children, grandchildren) and relief that you never had those things (children, grandchildren) if this were to be the thing - the end-all thing, god have mercy, then making you realize what it is that you want the most that you don't have yet (children, grandchildren).
These strange three weeks sunk me into a mentally useless, space cadet unreality where I couldn't follow through on anything, where I felt unsure of how to feel and needed to check out of my life temporarily so that I could await some news - either way - which would at least give me a goal to work towards. So I have that answer now, the best answer, and looking back on these super strange 3 weeks of my life have helped to put things into perspective. A "Love/Hate" perspective which sounds much nicer as "Adore/Deplore". Let's start with the bad news, shall we?
DEPLORE
1. Feeling so mad at my body. I was so angry at my body - like, how DARE you do this to me, corporeal self, so badly, wrongly representing me in the mortal world?! And right during the last of my peak fertility window, too, nice. So, fuck you, estrogen, seriously, screw you uncontrollable hormones firing and raging through my body (or whatever it is you do in there) - willy nilly producing a nice enough level to let us get pregnant or deciding, nope, this isn't gonna happen and happy almost-35th birthday, you hopeful sucker. Which led me to this next thing...
2. This idea that I might be bitter. I felt very aware that if I was indeed diagnosed with cancer that I could be in danger of some acute bitterness. I hated to think that I would be that sick angry mean person and I spent much time imagining that I wouldn't be. Instead, I'd campaign and fight and be all brave in the face of this; I'd run a marathon against this killer, raise money, that kinda thing. Mostly, though, this whole train of thought gave me so much compassion for anyone fighting a chronic illness - be courageous, get pissed - and you know what? No one should judge your reaction to your own experience. The last thing people with cancer or any wretched, life-threatening diagnosis should be additionally saddled with is the onus of needing to also be a shiny faced hero for others who need them to be brave.
3. Being out of control. There was nothing I could do to speed up the process of finding out what was happening - I couldn't get a faster biopsy appointment, I couldn't do a DIY breast cancer diagnosis, I couldn't decide - yet - how I'd feel if it came back positive, hoping it came back negative and it did, thankfully. For a planner and controller and see-aheader like me, this was the absolute worst part - knowing that there could be this evil interloper, uninvited, squatting in my intimate parts, ruining all my plans while breaking out all their poison at the same time. It was a terrible imagination and the indignation I felt doesn't even begin to describe it.
4. Hateful bumper stickers. Just please please please for the
love of anyone who can drive and also read and who might have a chronic
illness and need to observe the world loving and understanding each
other in their last days, peel those ridiculous stickers off your cars!
No one cares that your "dog bites democrats" or that you eat tasty meats (or don't)
or piss on Chevys. And, why do you need to advertise your feelings
about one of the most personal and emotional decisions a woman might
make in her lifetime about her body on your dirty fucking bumper?! Let
her have her child or not, it's none of you or your truck's business. Back off!
ADORE
1. Loved ones. In those weeks I was reminded of who loves ya, baby. I never want to bother anyone, yet I hope they somehow know (by magic) that I need some reassurance, some support, without me having to ask for it. I'm very bad at asking for it yet - Flowers from a friend delivered as a total surprise with a card assuring me it'd all be okay one way or another. A couple calls from the across the country and with those, a couple really bad jokes (that I asked for) meant to cheer me up. I love my dorky, sincere, loving friends. Having people that I admire in my professional field hug me and tell me their scare stories, too, relating and caring a lot. My husband trying so hard not to show that he was scared shitless, too, because he didn't want to worry me even more. My mom going with me to the hospital and just knowing she was waiting in the waiting room was so comforting. I loves me my people.
2. Aliveness. It's more that just existing in a room with your heart beating. I really realized that it's about wind in your hair, muscles aching, sun on your skin, laughing really hard, getting drunk and holy shit! seeing the Northern Lights at 3am in the middle of the wilderness around a campfire and just being beyond pleased that you (randomly, maybe) put yourself in the right place, at the right time to experience something that you never could have planned or expected and therefore, happened to blow your own mind. It's about moving and getting out and pushing beyond what you think you can do - especially when you think you can't do it. I'd never run five miles in a row until a couple weeks ago when I ran five miles in a row. There I did it, I can do it, I did it in a nondescript afternoon at the Y. I'm totally alive.
3. Building compassion. I didn't know what to think or what to expect and because I was so checked out mentally (a coping mechanism), so I'd drive around and (despite those upsetting bumper stickers) I was aware of the others in the shops, the market, in their cars and in the world who were perhaps going through some hard times. Usually I am pretty unforgiving of weakness - get over it and get on with your life is kind of my mantra - because people get so wrapped up in their little lives, their little hurts and then they lose all perspective of the really big awfulness in the world, how good they actually have it and then they're driving around little Anchorage. Alaska feeling sorry for themselves. (I MAY have done that for a couple minutes at one point...)
4. Not losing perspective. Last Friday I was taking my own advice that I often give to those friends and loved ones who are going through a shit time - "be nice to yourself," I say to them, "take care of yourself." So I got my nails did and then afterwards, I went shopping for some new cute clothes all the while thinking that I was "being nice to me" and enjoy this, self, this is great! Except then I got stuck in traffic and I felt anxious even though I drive this gorgeous Lexus SUV which, on this day, was filled with my new purchases (from Forever 21, let's qualify this, it wasn't a Nordstrom shopping spree) and my pretty, colorful nails and, being me, I'm listening to NPR - death and desperation in the Middle East, foreclosure and homelessness in middle America - and there is NO WAY that I am feeling like I can truly enjoy this indulgent afternoon when there's all this other stuff... Fuck. So, despite my bad language (which is quite apropos in certain situations, I know because I have a degree in this shit from UC Berkeley), I just drive and pray for everyone else who is having such a WAY WORSE time than I could ever imagine from the insides of my leather-appointed, fully-gassed up vehicle. Dear god, I don't even know what to say except please give those people a little respite, a bit of comfort, let them find some hope in their shitty days and know that they'll live and things will get better. And thank you for my life and good fortune right now - it's not lost on me one bit, I totally recognize that I can get a burrito from any of number of places right at this drive-through instant.
5. The colors! When the nurse called and said "all benign" I blinked hard a few times and then saw everything all around so much brighter. It's the truth - yellows were brighter, reds deeper, blues richer, oranges warmer - all the colors around me were more beautiful, so much more than I was seeing only moments before. I instantly felt happier, lighter. It's so so so good to be alive and well.
No comments:
Post a Comment